Thursday, January 26, 2012

Manifest Destiny 2.0

Newt Gingrich says there will be an American base on the moon within eight years.  He also expects to have men on Mars in the near future.  Experts call his predictions lunacy (get it?), but I think we should run with this.

What got America its start?  Taking land.  And there's a giant chunk of it, unclaimed, right up there in the night sky.  And who has more of a right to it than the country that got there first?

Here's the plan.  We start out on the moon to get our method of space colonization in order, just like we did with the original 13 colonies.  It should be much easier this time around without any pesky natives.  Aside from the space industry boosting our economy like WWII did, I'm sure there are some valuable minerals to be mined. While there is a treaty that says no country should exploit lunar resources, no spacefaring nation has signed it.  However, America has signed a treaty stating no military installations are to be built on the moon.  We'll have to find a way around that. Regardless, we'll be back on top in no time!

Once that's up and running, we can set our sights on Mars.  Mars!  The Red Planet will look so much better with some white and blue in there.  The best part about space colonies is that there will be new land out there for the taking.  Anyone (who can afford a trip to space) will be able to establish their family in the New New World, just like America's founders did when they came over from Europe.  It could be a whole new aristocracy!

Here's the best part.  There's at least one theory holds that the name Allah, as in Islam's name for god, comes from the title "al-" and the name of a pre-Islam Arabic moon god called Ilah.  What better way to win the War on Terror than to stick an American flag right in their god's face?  Vote Newt!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Fuck the No Cussing Club

McKay Hatch, some 18-year-old nerd from Pasadena, thinks he has the right to decide what you can and can't watch on TV.  He and 35,000 other nerds are up in arms over the episode of Modern Family that aired tonight because Lily, a two-year-old character, drops an F-bomb.  You know, "fuck."  Well, the girl actually says "fudge," but her lips are blurred and the word itself is bleeped out, but it seems like she says "fuck."
In 2007, Hatch founded the No Cussing Club in 2007 in response to the "rampant" cursing at his high school and what he sees as a link between profanity and bullying.  Which is to say, other kids called him names.  Not surprisingly, he now goes to a mormon college.

Hatch claims to have 35,000 supporters.  Assuming they are all regular viewers of Modern Family, that accounts for less than one half of one percent.  Would any TV show, business owner, politcician, etc. succumb to the demands of 0.49% of the people they are trying to please?  Furthermore, this kid isn't even really part of the demographic that Modern Family targeting.  Call me crazy, but my guess is that a show called Modern Family that follows three families is meant to appeal to...FAMILIES!  I don't know if this whiny douche bag is aware of this or not, but the issue of kids cursing is something nearly every parent has had to deal with.  If TV isn't allowed to be relevant, who the hell would watch it?

And what exactly does this kid hope to accomplish?  It's the taboo nature of words like "shit" and "cunt" that give them their power.  As words are used more and more in daily speech, they lose more and more of their offensive connotations.  That's why so many white kids get away with "nigga."  By making such a big deal about a bleeped-out word, you create a Pandora's Box situation that makes cursing seem even cooler than it already is.  And, aside from the fact that membership in a No Cussing Club is like a bulls-eye for bullies, does this kid think that preventing cursing will stop bullying?  Even if we ignore physical bullying, this club cannot hope to achieve any real results.  Languages evolve and new profanities are constantly developing, whether from a change in the meaning of a current word or the invention of a new one.  This club is akin to breed-specific legislation.  In an attempt to curb dog attacks, our wise legislators ban certain breeds to keep them out of the hands of people like dog fighters.  Lo and behold, the dog fighters just pick different breeds to torture until they become just as vicious.

What about name-calling that isn't exactly "profane?"  Is it that much better to be called a loser than a bitch?  Maybe a little, but not enough to justify so much anti-bullying energy into a pointless cause.  More focus should be devoted to understanding the motive behind bullying and raising awareness about its effects, not simply eliminating one of countless tactics used by bullies.

But I digress.  What really pisses me off about this whole thing is that I'm sick of being told how to live my life.  You've got "activists" like Morgan Spurlock who want to decide what I can and can't eat, "public servants" like Nutter who want to tax drinks they deem to be unhealthy, and now we have yet another asshole who knows what's best for society in this kid with two last names.  What happened to personal responsibility?  Why is McDonald's or Coca-Cola liable for your poor decisions?  It's not up to government or corporations to tell us how to eat, and it's not up to TV networks to raise our kids.  Aren't there all kinds of parental controls avaialable on TVs and through cable companies? 

The networks decide what they will air.  If you don't like what's on, change the fucking channel.