I have good news, America. There is a man who, I believe, truly wants to serve the United States of America as its President. After reading the speech he sent me, I feel that he honestly wants nothing more than to make this country as great as it ought to be.
His name is Peter Wychunis. Here is his speech.
There are those who will say that my campaign is a joke; that I am making a mockery of our political system. But look at the state of American politics today. The only mockery is the current system running our nation. Policies are determined not by the Will of the People, but by the highest bidder.
The United States government has furthermore violated some of our most precious rights. Whether that be a president unofficially waging war without the consent of Congress or something as seemingly innocuous as printing “In God We Trust” on American currency, there is no excuse for trampling on the Constitution of the United States.
American politics is already a joke. I am here to make a promise. I will not sell myself to private interest. I will not be bought out by lobbyists. I promise to lead this country as it was meant to be led. By the People. Instead of getting votes through the support of private interest groups, I appeal directly to you. I will uphold those American ideals that have been disregarded by far too many of our so-called leaders.
If the People see fit to elect me as their next President, I will do everything in my power to pull the government back within the limits laid out in the Constitution. I will appoint men and women who truly believe in the ideals on which this country was founded. Men and women untainted by prejudice or by religious or anti-religious influence, whose only goal is to ensure that our society lives up to those standards.
Obviously, the state of our economy is of utmost concern. I aim to implement major changes that will help stimulate our fragile economy. For example, I intend to pave the way for the privatization of space exploration. The process has already begun, and there is no reason for America not to lead the way during this Second Space Race. The private sector will be able to view spacefaring technology in new ways, bring fresh ideas to the table. This will inevitably lead to the creating of jobs, from rocket scientists to secretaries. This is not to say that the government will not maintain its presence in space. I also intend to lay the groundwork for more in-depth exploration of the Moon; specifically, we will be investigating the possibility of lunar mining. With natural resources dwindling here on Earth, and no life disturb on the Moon, this may be a viable means to help stabilize the economy. Unlike some of my competitors, I can’t promise to have a permanent lunar colony by 2020, but I will get the ball rolling. I will also institute tax policies to encourage businesses to manufacture in America and, conversely, discourage relocating overseas. Manufacturing will not have as prominent a place in America as it had 50 years ago, but I do not believe that our economy cannot have both manufacturing- and service-based components. Other policies, such as the legalization and regulation of prostitution and marijuana, will bring in billions in tax revenue. Though these actions will be considered controversial, I see no legitimate reason for our society to outlaw them.
Another major facet of our current economic state is the national debt. Considering that a president has eight years at the most with which to work, I can’t promise some incredible surplus by the end of my time as president. I can promise, however, that my administration will take a hard look at how this government spend the money it does have. For example, our current military budget seems neither sustainable nor justified. As official combat operations near an end, the time may be right for an appropriately-sized peacetime military. While research and development will still be a high priority, there simply is no need for such massive forces in times of peace. A standing army during peacetime was one of the greatest fears of the men who fought to establish this great nation. However, the American military will maintain its standard as the world’s most effective fighting force. As the son of a Vietnam veteran, I know that war is a reality. But, as in World War II, we will have policies in effect that will enable America to militarize as efficiently as possible. We will be ready and able to face any threat.
Another target of my spending cuts will be the salaries of our so-called public servants. Benjamin Franklin once said, “Place before the eyes of [greedy, ambitious] men, a post of honour that shall be at the same time a place of profit, and they will move heaven and earth to obtain it.” Although political offices inherently grant power to the person who holds that office, decreasing the salary for such offices will help prevent those from ever running for office who intend only to fatten their wallets. True public servants are not in it for the money. The President’s official salary, and those of all other major national political leaders, will be equal to the nation’s average poverty line.
That being said, I am not a wealthy man. I do need money. My administration will also be known for its transparency, so I will tell you that, though the President’s official salary will be equal to the nation’s average poverty line, I will utilize my position to increase my personal wealth. I am not a rich man simply filling his already overflowing coffers. And I am not taking money from lobbyists; I will do things like make paid appearances in various media, give speeches, write books, etc. These jobs will be strictly apolitical.
Religion, too, is an issue at the forefront of the American consciousness. Frankly, the sway that Christianity holds over the policies of this great nation is embarrassing. Whatever your opinion of our Forefathers’ religious beliefs, it is clear that this country was meant to be run by a secular society. As those very men who shaped the future of this country said in a 1796 treaty, “the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion.” Contrary to what my opponents may say, this is not a war on religion. It is a fight to uphold core human freedoms.
This undue religious influence only holds our society back. Stem cell research, arguably the most promising scientific advancement in history, is being stifled for purely religious reasons. Homosexuals are being denied to marry the person they love for purely religious reasons. The right to die with dignity is being stripped of those who would utilize it for purely religious reasons. Many of my opponents criticize the theocracies of the Middle East, yet don’t bat an eye at Christianity’s dominance of American society. Apparently, separation of Church and State doesn’t apply to the religion of our current leaders.
I know there have been people before me who made similar boasts, only to betray the People’s trust. My campaign appeals directly to you so that you will know that my power does not come from corporate backers and industrial magnates, but from your votes. Where my predecessors have won votes by selling themselves to private interests, I hope to win votes by doing what is best for America. I don’t have millions of dollars in anonymous donations to finance my campaign. I will not come to power by working with private interest groups, and so I will owe them nothing. I will be free to make the truly right decisions.
My name is Pete Wychunis. I hope you approve this message.