Cell Phones May Cause Cancer; Not Having One Linked to Friendlessness

     For years, notable organizations and individuals have conducted research into the possible link between cell phone use and brain cancer.  Most have concluded that more information is needed before making a definitive statement on the long-term effects of using a cell phone.  However, the International Agency for Research on Cancer (part of the World Health Organization), stated on May 31 that radiation from cell phones is "possibly carcinogenic to humans".  The Agency placed cell phone radiation in the same group as other possible carcinogens, such as coffee and car exhaust. 
     It seems most people aren't bothered by the news.  Some use the same excuse as smokers: "I've been using a cell phone for so long, I'm already fucked."  Everyone else just figures the cancer is better than not having a cell phone.  Besides, they say, most experts agree that any possible link between cell phones and cancer would be very weak, given the low amounts of radiation given off by phones.
     For humanity's sake, I hope they are wrong.  Cancer-causing phones are exactly the motivation scientists need to finally find a cure.  Think how hard scientists would work to find a cure, how much money the rich would donate to research if they knew they and their loved ones were going to develop brain cancer.  Why do you think AIDS still hasn't been cured?  Infect everyone in the WHO with HIV and see how quickly they find a cure.
     Or, better yet, we could infect only world leaders.  Think about it; FDR was president from 1933 to 1945 and quickly became the world's most famous polio survivors.  Ten years after his last term ends, the first polio vaccine is announced.  Coincidence?  What's more, FDR's symptoms more closely fit with Guillain-Barré syndrome!  Just the thought that the President had polio got the job done.  Granted, a vaccine isn't actually a cure, but it's better than nothing.  
     Political leaders always claim to have the well-being of the people in mind when they make the decisions that govern our lives.  What better way to prove it than by willingly being infected with a major illness so that a cure can be found?  At worst, no new cures will be found, but at least we can be sure that our leaders really are the sort of people that put the needs of the people before their own wants.  Or maybe people will vote according to what disease they'd like to see cured; that way, presidencies would have positive, tangible results.