I have good news, America. There is a man who, I believe, truly wants to serve the United States of America as its President. After reading the speech he sent me, I feel that he honestly wants nothing more than to make this country as great as it ought to be.
His name is Peter Wychunis. Here is his speech.
There are those who will say that my campaign is a joke;
that I am making a mockery of our political system. But look at the state of American politics
today. The only mockery is the current system running our nation. Policies are determined not by the Will of
the People, but by the highest bidder.
The United States government has furthermore violated some
of our most precious rights. Whether
that be a president unofficially waging war without the consent of Congress or
something as seemingly innocuous as printing “In God We Trust” on American
currency, there is no excuse for trampling on the Constitution of the United
States.
American politics is already a joke. I am here to make a promise. I will not sell myself to private
interest. I will not be bought out by
lobbyists. I promise to lead this
country as it was meant to be led. By
the People. Instead of getting votes through the support of private interest
groups, I appeal directly to you. I will
uphold those American ideals that have been disregarded by far too many of our
so-called leaders.
If the People see fit to elect me as their next President, I
will do everything in my power to pull the government back within the limits
laid out in the Constitution. I will
appoint men and women who truly believe in the ideals on which this country was
founded. Men and women untainted by
prejudice or by religious or anti-religious influence, whose only goal is to
ensure that our society lives up to those standards.
Obviously, the state of our economy is of utmost
concern. I aim to implement major
changes that will help stimulate our fragile economy. For example, I intend to pave the way for the
privatization of space exploration. The
process has already begun, and there is no reason for America not to lead the
way during this Second Space Race. The
private sector will be able to view spacefaring technology in new ways, bring
fresh ideas to the table. This will
inevitably lead to the creating of jobs, from rocket scientists to
secretaries. This is not to say that the
government will not maintain its presence in space. I also intend to lay the groundwork for more
in-depth exploration of the Moon; specifically, we will be investigating the
possibility of lunar mining. With
natural resources dwindling here on Earth, and no life disturb on the Moon,
this may be a viable means to help stabilize the economy. Unlike some of my competitors, I can’t
promise to have a permanent lunar colony by 2020, but I will get the ball
rolling. I will also institute tax policies
to encourage businesses to manufacture in America and, conversely, discourage
relocating overseas. Manufacturing will
not have as prominent a place in America as it had 50 years ago, but I do not
believe that our economy cannot have both manufacturing- and service-based
components. Other policies, such as the legalization and regulation of prostitution and marijuana, will bring in billions in tax revenue. Though these actions will be considered controversial, I see no legitimate reason for our society to outlaw them.
Another major facet of our current economic state is the
national debt. Considering that a
president has eight years at the most with which to work, I can’t promise some
incredible surplus by the end of my time as president. I can promise, however, that my
administration will take a hard look at how this government spend the money it
does have. For example, our current
military budget seems neither sustainable nor justified. As official combat operations near an end,
the time may be right for an appropriately-sized peacetime military. While research and development will still be
a high priority, there simply is no need for such massive forces in times of
peace. A standing army during peacetime
was one of the greatest fears of the men who fought to establish this great
nation. However, the American military
will maintain its standard as the world’s most effective fighting force. As the son of a Vietnam veteran, I know that
war is a reality. But, as in World War
II, we will have policies in effect that will enable America to militarize as
efficiently as possible. We will be
ready and able to face any threat.
Another target of my spending cuts will be the salaries of
our so-called public servants. Benjamin
Franklin once said, “Place before the eyes of [greedy, ambitious] men, a post
of honour that shall be at the same time a place of profit, and they will move
heaven and earth to obtain it.” Although
political offices inherently grant power to the person who holds that office,
decreasing the salary for such offices will help prevent those from ever
running for office who intend only to fatten their wallets. True public servants are not in it for the
money. The President’s official salary,
and those of all other major national political leaders, will be equal to the
nation’s average poverty line.
That being said, I am not a wealthy man. I do need money. My administration will also be known for its
transparency, so I will tell you that, though the President’s official salary
will be equal to the nation’s average poverty line, I will utilize my position
to increase my personal wealth. I am not
a rich man simply filling his already overflowing coffers. And I am not taking money from lobbyists; I
will do things like make paid appearances in various media, give speeches,
write books, etc. These jobs will be
strictly apolitical.
Religion, too, is an issue at the forefront of the American
consciousness. Frankly, the sway that
Christianity holds over the policies of this great nation is embarrassing. Whatever your opinion of our Forefathers’
religious beliefs, it is clear that this country was meant to be run by a
secular society. As those very men who
shaped the future of this country said in a 1796 treaty, “the Government of the
United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian
religion.” Contrary to what my opponents
may say, this is not a war on religion.
It is a fight to uphold core human freedoms.
This undue religious influence only holds our society
back. Stem cell research, arguably the
most promising scientific advancement in history, is being stifled for purely
religious reasons. Homosexuals are being
denied to marry the person they love for purely religious reasons. The right to die with dignity is being
stripped of those who would utilize it for purely religious reasons. Many of my opponents criticize the
theocracies of the Middle East, yet don’t bat an eye at Christianity’s
dominance of American society.
Apparently, separation of Church and State doesn’t apply to the religion
of our current leaders.
I know there have been people before me who made similar
boasts, only to betray the People’s trust.
My campaign appeals directly to you so that you will know that my power
does not come from corporate backers and industrial magnates, but from your
votes. Where my predecessors have won
votes by selling themselves to private interests, I hope to win votes by doing
what is best for America. I don’t have
millions of dollars in anonymous donations to finance my campaign. I will not come to power by working with
private interest groups, and so I will owe them nothing. I will be free to make the truly right decisions.
My name is Pete Wychunis.
I hope you approve this
message.
